๑۩۞۩๑The Darkness Within๑۩۞۩๑

I think most of my close friends and family know I suffered from Anorexia Nervosa as a young teen, so I’m not shocking anyone here. I never used the terminology for it though. I’d simply say “I’d starve myself for weeks to lose weight”, but never admitted ownership of this sad disease by name. Not that I wouldn’t then, or don’t now, but just felt silly claiming it by name, wondering if people would think I was proud of it or something.

I am not ashamed of it by any means. It is just a symptom of something bigger that goes on in someone’s life, and you try to cope. I mention it now, because it seems, in my little world lately, every second person is worrying about their weight. I rarely find anyone who is truly “embracing” his or her own skin.

At age 14 I may have weighed 100 – 110 pounds when our military family moved to a new town, I was entering high school. I had watched my older sister be berated about being overweight. I couldn’t handle that. I was always the “skinny” child. Involved in swimming, volleyball, and track and field, I had the perfect little “athlete’s” body! And everyone noticed and said so. I enjoyed the positive admiration of anyone who bestowed it upon me. I was an emotionally needy child, ask my Mum… lol!

But something happened my first year of high school…. I gained nearly 50 pounds. I hadn’t really noticed. I always wore track pants and oversized clothes in general, because I was involved heavily in sports, but people began saying things at school about it. I went from a size 0-3 in pants to a size 31. Mostly larger women in my family, I’m sure my Mum just thought I was “blooming”, but boobs would have been nice, if that were true… lol!

So it began…. The need to control my weight became my every thought. Counting calories and rigid exercise to burn whatever it was I’d put in my mouth. But it was never enough. I began a diet of water and dexitrim and just have that for two weeks at a time. No actual food would pass my lips. I began having kidney/ urinary tract problems, anxiety attacks, and was really really mean in general! I couldn’t cope in school, couldn’t concentrate, but I was losing weight. I used exlax occasionally but not too much. I was desperate to be thin. I think I went back to 110 pounds, and I did begin eating, but would continue my 2 weeks on 2 weeks off starvation diet. Just to ensure the weight never came back.

I had no idea what permanent damage I was doing to my own body back then. Karen Carpenter didn’t die from this disease until 1983, when people finally started talking about it out in the open, drawing attention to it. Since just having Anorexia Nervosa only occurs 2% of the time, not morphing into binging and purging habits, I assumed I was ok, as long as I didn’t start making myself throw up I figured it was ok. I tried it, but hate tossing my cookies, so I wouldn’t go that route.

I believe I have tremendous spirit, as I one day stopped the overly destructive behavior without medical intervention, but I still suffer from the traits associated with the disease. People with Anorexia Nervosa tend to bake a lot of “goodies” only to give them away, encourage other’s to eat, pick at their food, are compulsive about how their food is arranged on their plate, and over chew their food. It takes me forever to finish a meal. The need to control food and weight never goes away totally. Even now the thought “I can’t be fat, I can’t be fat”, is on my mind almost daily.

But I am responsible about my weight. And although I am losing weight now, I am doing it very carefully. And have learned how my body works to keep the fat storage in check. I am down 17 pounds now. But when I look at pictures of myself at around 165 pounds [the picture above is one of me at that weight], I am not disgusted in them. I actually think I looked ok. That was maybe 9 months ago. So I am moving ahead slowly and know I am being very responsible about the whole thing. I say I have no “goal” weight out loud. To do so may be harmful. I know how to lose it quick from past practice, but I fight the urge to become destructive again.

One of the things I want to do is to advocate how being comfortable in one’s own skin is paramount! My older sister almost killed herself during university from diet and exercise and watching her was heartbreaking. Back then, I just wanted to grab her and hold her and tell her “don’t you see what you are doing to yourself”??!! But to do so would force me to tell my secret, which I was still involved in during that time. Thankfully she realized she wasn’t a size 5 woman and to continue was silly. She always was the smart one….. lol!

The one bad thing I still am guilty of, is keeping a size 0 dress hanging on the back of my bedroom door. Sometimes I squeeze into it, and yes, I can get it on and done up, but instead of thinking, “I have to get into that dress”, I think, “WOW! I can almost fit into that dress comfortably”, and that makes me very happy. The “almost” is good enough for me now.

I wish society were different about how important appearance is. Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie are NOT typical women people! And a big BRAVO to Tyra Banks for her recent interview about her weight! She looks beautiful and sexy and is 165 pounds now since her retirement. Her interview is in some magazine, if you know which please leave a comment telling other’s where to look, as I can’t seem to remember right now! Just LOOK at her and tell me she isn’t more attractive now then when she was modeling! Embrace a healthy weight; don’t believe a woman should be a size 3 or 5 to be considered “normal”. Curves and physical “substance” is what men really want, I’ve asked around so I know! And I also know I’m just as sexy at around 145 pounds as I was at 165 pounds. Being sexy is all about what you do and what you say to your man, not how your hipbones can cut the guy you’re bumping up against. No man wants to be there wondering if he’s going to “break” you because you’re so tiny.

Long but important……… sorry!

~Peace~